Summer Term

On the day before we return to school for the last half term of the academic year there is always a mixture of emotions running through my household. Nerves, excitement, intrepidation, disappointment. This year it is intensified as my role has changed. 

We are looking forward to the summer together, the extended evenings, the BBQs, the hope of better weather, but wedged in between stretches eight weeks of term. Yes EIGHT weeks. It is a long haul this year.

We have had fun during this half term break and over Easter together. We got away to Cornwall for a family break and have spent time chilling out and recovering from having a house full of builders for months on end. Here are some snapshots of our time off.......

Life is settling into a pattern and we are becoming more accustomed to being a household with two parents working. However, everything hangs by a thread which is easily broken when a child is sick or a parent away or over worked. The ideal certainly would be for one of us to be part time to hold the fort at home a little better!

I am so fortunate in that I love my job - it is a vocation to me. I get engrossed in it, so much so that I have to stop myself from becoming too involved at times. I have to set a time to go home and stick to it as the job is never done, ever!

We have just finished the home office for my husband. The carpet goes in tomorrow so we can move him out of the living room! This means we can claim back another room in our house. I can't wait. Although we have paid someone to do this room I have been painting again and have taken before and after photos for you to see the transformation later this week. Slowly we are re gaining our whole house. By the summer things should be almost normal again.

I can't wait!

Cornish Holiday

A much needed break.

The changing faces of Cornwall.

This week couldn't come soon enough for us. My OH has only had two weeks off since last Christmas - the joys of running your own business I suppose. It has been a frantically busy year with so many unexpected things happening that I found myself running on empty. I'm like so many Mums in that I don't have the choice to stop, so keep soldiering on until something gives. This happened a few weeks prior to half term when I was so exhausted and unwell I spent the weekend in bed - something I never do. My OH realised enough was enough and booked us a week away, just like that! Wow, result. Never seen him act so quick!

So we are having a cosy week in the most gorgeously renovated Cornish barn. Immaculately presented and clean with a bottle of wine and Cornish cookies to greet us on arrival. The beds are warm and comfortable, the sofas deep and welcoming, the kitchen well stocked and as the children gleefully pointed out - "it's nicer than yours at home Mum." "Well, Dad will enjoy cooking in it" , was my reply!

We had no high hopes of glorious weather, just rest , walks and good food. The children have wifi, books to read, toys and TV and there is on site entertainment in the form of Tilly, a little dog waiting on the doorstep with a stick for them to throw. With plenty of room and space for them to run it is ideal and within a few hours I can feel the stresses and strains begin to depart from me. I always seem to spend the first day or two sleeping whenever and where ever possible. My OH on the other hand finds boundless energy and wants not only to eat his way around the West Coast of Cornwall , but to visit every beach within driving distance to find the perfect wave. By day three I have found my energy and he has settled down and a contended peace descends. 

We have lazy mornings with proper coffee and croissants for breakfast. We venture out when we are ready to, having promised not to rush. We visit various attractions and find some super and not too expensive little places to eat. The children get over their initial exuberance and settle into enjoying this slower pace of life. Already it is over half way through the week and I am not allowing myself to think about returning just yet.

Funnily enough though, I know by the time Saturday arrives I will be ready to return to my own bed and home comforts, refreshed and ready again for what I expect will be another busy half term.

Happy 1st November !

Dad.

The role reversal.

Somewhere along the line, I'm not sure I could pin down exactly when , the role of parenting seems to have been reversed. It wasn't a sudden change , more of a gradual shift in situation, priorities and health.

However, although it is still assumed by most acquaintances  when I say my parents live locally that we get plenty of help with the children, the reality is quite the opposite - I am the care giver not receiver. My Dad and Step mum actually moved into the next street to be nearer to us , so I could help out if needed.

My Dad has Parkinsons.

He gets very confused.

He is not very mobile and sometimes cannot move at all.

He lives at home with my step mum who is amazing and without her he would be in a nursing home. She fights hard for his care and organises his life so he goes places and does things . 

But she needs a break too.

 So, I have my Dad for a day when I can.

 I help with bits of care when my step mum is away .

 I take him shopping for bits and pieces he wants and out for coffee at garden centres ( they have larger aisles for his walker) .I  help when she goes away with the rota of care that she puts together - a combination of carers and family to look after him just so she can have  a few days away without him. It keeps her sane. Sometimes it is as simple as popping in , like today, for an hour to give him lunch.

 But I didn't feel like it.

I knew it would be hard and I was tired.

Sometimes I wish I still had parents who could come and help me - how selfish is that when he is going through so much?

I know it's because I am tired - weeks of demanding children, a husband who is working every hour that he can find, too much to fit in my busy schedule at the moment, children who still need more and I'm stretched. I felt I had nothing left. Everybody wanting a piece of me.

The moment I walked in and forced myself to call out a cheery " Hi Dad" and saw him sitting there drooling, with chocolate all around his mouth, talking nonsense about whether he had fixed the rail for the curtain correctly, I knew he was off colour and it was going to be tough. For the record he won't have been near fixing a curtain rail for the past 10 years. His mind plucks random information from the past and thrusts it into the present making it seem real to him.

But, there are times when I just can't listen to him talk rubbish again.

There are times when I have to hide how I am feeling from him.

There are times when, if I am totally honest, it just annoys me - how bad is that?

 I was so tired I had nothing inventive to say at that moment so I wandered into the kitchen to make sandwiches and a cup of strong tea for him. He had always been very driven and motivated by his own ambitions and I think this illness brings the worst of that side out of him . He focuses only on himself, no one else, but then wouldn't I - it is an awful , lonely walk and I have cried with him many a time. They say to try and separate the person from the illness helps you to cope, but they are so intertwined now that is hard to do.

Don't get me wrong , I love my Dad and I would do anything for him, but I spend hours popping pills in his mouth, manhandling him into the car to take him out for some fresh air, listening to his ramblings that often drift in and out of sense.....sometimes I would like to hear him ask in his moments of lucidity, how I am, but he never does anymore. Sometimes it is much too hard to see your 'Dad' sitting there like that, but he is not your ' Dad' anymore. No one asks me if I am dealing with it alright - I am just expected to.

Somewhere along the line his role as " Dad" changed , but I couldn't tell you when that was, only that the father I once knew isn't there anymore. 

But I can't grieve for his passing because he hasn't died .

I can't give up on him because he IS still my Dad.

The Dad I remember left long ago. I  can't pinpoint when, he just kind of got swallowed up gradually by this disease until there was not much left apart from a vague physical resemblance.

So what do you do?

You sleep.

You recharge your batteries.

You put a smile on your face and you continue to choose to love and care because the day will come when you won't be able to anymore. 

You do that because if you don't, who will?

You do that because deep down you'd want someone to do it for you.

You do that because you do deeply love him.

You do that so you won't one day regret that you didn't.