The Hard Decisions
The time has come to make a decision about my Dad.
My Dad is ill with Parkinsons and has reached the point where it is no longer manageable to have him at home. We are taking the hard decision to find a "home" where he can get the round the clock care he so desperately needs and my step mum has valiantly tried to give him.
How can taking that decision ever be easy?
She came over last week to talk it through with me and to see how I felt. I didn't have a particularly close relationship with my Dad growing up. He was often away and I was always closer to my Mum. He is still my Dad though and I don't like the idea.
No, not at all.
But this is not about what I want. I don't have to clear up his mess every night. I don't have to lift his heavy weight every day when he falls. I don't have to try and administer drugs every 3 hours or change his pump. I don't have to get up numerous times every night because he is calling and confused. I don't have to put up with his tempers and his confusion. My Step mum does that. She had a triple bypass a few years ago and has to be aware of her health.
No, not at all.
But this is not about what I want. I don't have to clear up his mess every night. I don't have to lift his heavy weight every day when he falls. I don't have to try and administer drugs every 3 hours or change his pump. I don't have to get up numerous times every night because he is calling and confused. I don't have to put up with his tempers and his confusion. My Step mum does that. She had a triple bypass a few years ago and has to be aware of her health.
It is her decision.
When there was talk about fitting him for a helmet to protect him from falling we realised it was time. She cannot pop out anymore, even for 10 minutes. He simply needs round the clock care.
We took my little girl to the theatre over Christmas to see an adaptation of the kids book The Snail and the Whale by Julia Donaldson.
They told the tale of the Whale through the eyes of a young girl and her Dad who was telling the story to her.
The main part of this adaptation was the girls relationship with her father and how much she adored him and the way he told her stories. He then has to go off to sea and she doesn't see him again. There was something about this, and I don't know whether Christmas had something to do with it, but I found myself welling up constantly. In the Theatre. With the children .
Stupid, hormonal, middle aged woman.
It's not even that my Dad ever read me stories.
It's just that I hate that he has to go into a home.
He knows enough to know what is happening and he is worried about it too.
It's just so heartbreaking to see, but I know that he can't be watched every moment when he is at home and the next fall he has just might be his last.......
So, as hard as it is, the time has come.
Things will not be the same again after this year......
So, as hard as it is, the time has come.
Things will not be the same again after this year......
This is such a hard decision. My mum was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's which has been a real schock
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that. Don't be too disheartened - there is so much they can do to ease the symptoms, especially in the early stages now. My Dad was diagnosed 15 years ago and had been having problems for a long time. Up until 3 years ago things were pretty stable. Do e.mail me if you want to ask anything or just want a chat. Much love to you. Claire xx
DeleteHi Claire,
ReplyDeleteI am an on/off reader of your blog and enjoy reading your thoughts and your outlook to life. I rarely comment but todays post made me well up. My dad has always been strong and fit and its heartbreaking to see him weak now and forgetting small things.
The decision to move a parent to care is a very difficult one but am sure you are right to support your step mum so your dad gets the best possible care.
Kets
Thank you for that. It is such an emotional path...I know it's right, but it's hard! We are going to make sure we find somewhere he is happy with as well as us before we move him so it's going to take a bit of time! Thank you for your kind comment. All we can do is love our Dads as they get old..... Claire x
DeleteI used to love reading the Snail and the Whale to Charlie, all her books in fact! Sorry to hear about your Dad but it sounds as though it is the right thing that he get the care and attention he needs. My mum had a heart attack 2 years ago, was in hospital for 3 months but then went home to living alone, so I go once a week to do her housework and my brother and I have her round a couple of times a week but even that is difficult when times are busy. I don't know how people cope with having elderly parents live with them, I just know I couldn't, I struggle to clean up after the Pugs!
ReplyDeleteI enjoy reading her books too - I still get to with my youngest, but not for much longer :(
DeleteThis is so hard I know. When my mother in law had to move into a home it was heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteDon't be too hard on yourself.
Thanks - it's never easy seeing them get to that point. X
DeleteI'm so sorry to hear this Claire. I went down that path with my mother and it's a very hard one. An awful decision to have to make as even though it's undoubtedly the best one in terms of care for a parent, nobody wants to see their mum or dad in a home. You're in my thoughts. Helen
ReplyDeleteHard - been putting it out of my mind for the last 6 months but known is coming! Thanks Helen.
DeleteSo sorry to hear this....like you say, you know it's right, but I know how hard it is to accept that this is for the best. Sending my thoughts to you. Caroline x
ReplyDeleteThanks Caroline x
DeleteClaire, I'm so sorry that you've had to make this decision but it does sound like the best thing for him and for your step-mum - she must be really struggling. We are all at that age when parents start to go downhill and it's heartbreaking to see…maybe reminds us of our mortality too as we feel ourselves getting older. Sending you hugs and best wishes, Avril x
ReplyDeleteThanks Avril x
DeleteIn my opinion (I used to work in physio for elderly care) making that decision is the hardest step but it will get easier. Once you have found a home you are all happy with, which I know is very difficult as you have to account for your Dad's health and social needs, costs of care, your feelings, your Step-Mum's feelings and the rest of the family, you will breath a huge sigh of relief. Try and find if you can, a home which has an in-house physio/rehabilitation team or at the very least a good activities co-ordinator. Even though your Dad is 15 years post diagnosis any input he can get to keep him mobile and active will benefit him. The very best of luck and wishes to you and your family x
ReplyDeleteThanks Kay - it's a bit daunting - you are right about the activities etc. He needs to be moving otherwise he becomes immobile so quickly too. X
DeleteI'm sure you're making the right decision but it must be so difficult - I really feel for you Claire. As you say though there is only so much your step-mum can do and she can't possibly do it alone 24/7. I suppose this decision comes to most of us at some stage or other. It's the end of one chapter and the beginning of another - doesn't make it easy though and I'm completely useless at coping with change. I would have been exactly the same in the theatre by the way (bloomin' hormones eh?). Take care xx
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't make it any easier the old hormones!! I just wish I could do more myself, but I know that's not the answer either. Just got to make it as easy a transition as possible for him . There will be plenty more tears I'm sure .... Xxx
DeleteThank you for all your kind words! I never know whether to share things like this or not, but it is hard to write about the lighter things in life when things like this are hovering in the background. So thank you for your care and love - much needed and appreciated! Claire xx
ReplyDeleteClaire, I'm just now catching up on my blog reading. I am so sorry to read that you're going through this. Your account is so touching. My heart is aching for you and your dad. I'm not close with my father either, but I know how hard that decision must be for all involved. Your reaction is anything but hormonal, it's a reaction from a compassionate, caring daughter. Again, Sorry to just now be reading this. I'm sending love and hugs. You'll always have a bloggy friend from across the pond sending positivity your way. XX
ReplyDeleteThank you Michelle - it's an ongoing thing - you know the ones!! Decided to share it as it is part of my life - thank you for your care and encouragement . It means a lot as I know you understand. XX
Deletei truly feel for you. my grandfather suffered from this and we eventually had to make this same decision. they can last a really long time in that state. it's really hard to see a family member deteriorate like that. you have to think about the caregiver. they can get worn out dealing with the illness on a day to day basis. it's physically and emotionally draining. the move will be best for everyone. my mom is a social worker and deals with this all the time. i pray for your family.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.averysweetblog.com/
Good luck - I hope everything falls into place for your family - I was really moved by this post, and your writing.
ReplyDelete